How it all began

Do you remember where you were almost 2 years ago - January 2007? Can you believe that was almost 2 years ago? Perhaps if it was a joyous time in your life, you remember exactly what you were doing and cannot believe it's already been 2 years. If it was a dark time in your life, then you probably feel it was so long ago; that is of course if you've come out of that darkness.

For me, it's some of both. It feels like forever ago but also I can't believe it's already been 2 years. Perhaps that's because I was going through some of both...the dark and the light. It was the final end to a doomed relationship. To be honest the end was probably the November before but we went through that denial phase and tried to force it to work out.
It was the end of January 2007. I was home and all alone. I felt so alone. I was on the phone with my parents and could barely speak through my tears. I was heartbroken and angry. I eventaully came to realize that my anger was at myself. After I got off the phone with my parents I just let out what I like to call the 'ugly cry'. You know the one - the one you try to hold back in public but let out when you're alone, or with someone you trust. It's not pretty. Your mouth and eyes do twists that should never be photographed.

So out came my ugly cry. I just gave into it. There were no cameras and no one was around. Then it happened. My eyes focused on a cross hanging on my wall. I could not take my eyes off that cross. It's silver with blue stained glass and a red stained glass heart in the center. It was like God was pulling me to him as I stared at that heart in the center of the cross. And I knew I was not alone. And that I am loved and forgiven. And that Jesus died on the cross for my sins. I began to talk out loud to God. This was not a daily habit for me by any means at the time. In fact, I was pretty far away from God for many years up to this point. So it didn't feel natural at all. But I went with it. I said a lot of things are just between God and I, but I will tell you that I surrendered to Him in that moment. I told Him that I can't do this alone and that I needed Him to hold me. And He did. I crawled right up into his arms that night and he wrapped his arms around me so tight. He'd missed me, and I sure did miss him. Being held in the arms of Jesus without judgement, without an agenda, without selfishness is the best feeling in the world, even in the darkness. Because it's not like I woke up the next morning and everything was better and I went out and conqured the world. Very far from it. I just knew that I had Him to lean on and that I was not alone, even though I felt that way.

In the next few weeks, God laid something back on my heart that had been gone for awhile. I was to go to Africa. No big detailed plan in my mind, I just always knew I wanted to go to Africa and love on children there - feed them, play with them, etc. In my mind I thought I'd look into what organizations I could go through, etc. and go in the summer of 2008...
Two weeks later I was at church with my sister and in the bulletin there was information about an informational meeting for a trip to South Africa for July of that year - 2007.
My immediate thought: 'Well, I am going in the summer of 2008 so I can't go to that meeting.'
I went to the meeting. I learned what the process was, first being to fill out an application to be approved by the church. Ok, I can do that. It was about a month later that I got an email of acceptance to go on the trip. I screamed out loud in excitement at my desk at work and then cried! 'I am not alone...'