Suddenly, there He was....
"Why am I not enough for you?"
"What?"
"Why am I not enough for you?"
"What? Who?"
"Why am I not enough for you?"
(long silence)...then...."I don't know. But I want you to be."
I did not try to convince God that He was and is enough for me. I knew better than that. He is not to be fooled. He knows my heart. And he knew I was not putting Him first. Ouch.
It was that same night that I asked our team leader for our trips, who was leaving for South Africa in 3 days, to see if there was still a place for me in Port Shepstone with Genesis. If there was, I would go. He said he would find out.
It was 2 weeks later that he came back to let me know they did in fact still have a place for me. The next morning I got a call from Leon, General Manager of Genesis, and he was telling me the same thing. It was then that I told him that I would come. I would get the details all figured out...and I would come. I told Leon that I didn't want to look back in 5 years and regret not doing this. I don't want to live my life with regrets anymore. I already have enough. And the only one I have about South Africa is not giving a firm 'yes' to go back in September.
In the middle of November, I attended a Fusion Expierence conference in Irving, TX. When my sister and I saw that Francis Chan would be there as a speaker, we decided to go. I had no idea what the conference was about. I knew that some mission oriented organizations would be there- World Vision, SIM, World Orphans, etc. but I didn't know what the big message of the entire thing was about. Turns out it was all about living a life for God and figuring out what that is for each one of us. Go figure. This was no coincidence that I was hearing all of this. God knew I needed to hear each speaker, each song, read each verse. Francis Chan wrote the book Crazy Love. I had only read a couple chapters of it when I saw him speak at this conference. I had tears rolling down my face without even knowing it. Francis was talking about some people he'd recently met that had been prisoners in Afganhistan. Several of them were pastors. They had one bible and tore pages from it to share with each other. They even argued about who wanted to be killed first by their captures. Some were killed and some were eventually released. They have said since that they would want to go back to that place. Why on earth would someone want to go back to a foreign country where they were held as prisonors - treated horribly and even had to watch their friends be killed?! Why? Because that's where they felt closest to God... W-O-W! God was speaking to me during this time and He was very clearly saying
"GO!"
I have met with the Missions Director and our team leader for our trips and we have put the wheels in motion. I will not be paid by Genesis and since I am not going through an organization I have to raise my own funds for basic living expenses. I must have $10,000 in the account through church in order to leave for South Africa. I let this amount overwhelm me before, and I refuse to let it this time. It is a lot of money and it's actually $20,000 that I will need for expenses for the entire year. This is in God's hands and I truly believe that he will provide. That's not to say this will all be a walk in the park....in fact, it will be a lot of hard work and then a long plane ride! haha.
Please pray with me and for me. This is all very new for me and my family. I do not come from a missionary family or anything like that. My family loves the Lord and we all serve him in our own ways. Giving up my life and career here in America for a year is certainly 'different'. But say that out loud. ONE YEAR. That's IT. In the big scheme of things, that is nothing....a blink of time to God. I am SO excited about growing with God during this time.
I am putting me aside for the rest of my life...the best I know how to.
"I'm going."
1 comment:
Ami, its been great to read the story of your journey with God toward serving Him in South Africa. We will be praying for you as you raise support. We want to see you here soon! When Robin and I came for a "one year" project with Two Tunics we had a sense that God had something more than that for us. However, it was comfortable at that time for us and for supporters to think in terms of "one year." I have a sense that you may be in a similar place in terms of God's purpose for you. I just want to encourage you to stay open to whatever He has for you. I know you will because of the last line of your post. This is about "the rest of your life" and you will be blessed.
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